August in Anguish

August has arrived in angst. As the days count down to what would have been my mother’s 75th birthday, I feel everything slipping away. Who ever said taking antidepressants keeps you from being depressed. I feel defeated in everything I’m doing right now. Trying to find my purpose as I write, garden, work and love.  Everything I try to write seems jaded. The garden may be jeopardized by HOA rules. Last week at work was the single worst week since the CAF-Gaff of Christmas Eve 2008. I try to love every day- love my partner, my father, my sisters and family, my co-workers and neighbors everybody whom I come in contact, I try to give and show my loving side. Yet, even that seems underappreciated at times.

What was I thinking that it would get easier to live my life without my mother? At one time she was my best friend, I could share anything with her, then we’d cry, get mad or laugh together until it hurt (most times all three). That friendship faltered, fell and fractured, yet we regained it before it was too late. I keep telling myself this is just another Summer Thunderstorm, full of rain, lightning and wind. It may rip a few branches out of the trees and cause a few power lines to fall, but nothing that can’t be repaired once the tempest has past.

Summer is still in full swing, Hurricane season doesn’t hit its peak until next month in September. August is filled with Hot muggy nights and Dark afternoons in these thunderstorms that happen every day. Just like my depression, returning daily to tease and torment me. The story of my life also begins in August. Dad and Mom were born this month, both in 1941. Their parents probably passed each other as Dad’s left the hospital and Mother’s arrived. Please bear with me as I wade through this angst as I get through August into September. Isn’t this what my blog is for anyway?

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One thought on “August in Anguish

  1. The night is always dark, darker without the moon shining. Yes the stars are always up there. Usually the darker the night. The brighter the stars. In life the same can be said. Darkness, coldness, emptiness can be summoning with darkness. Subtests now believe nothing would not exist without dark matter. We are made of the same dust as in the universe. Maybe I need to understand the darkness more. It is important. I do not feel your pain, Michael cause I have my own. My loss is not the same as yours. Yet the same event causes to feel. I can see a little of the good because of our new and deeper relationship as dad and son. There are other good things in this darkness that niether of us has discovered yet. There is probably more good than bad, but I can t see it yet. Maybe we can find the good together. 143

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